Smoking is Fabulous – Except It Isn’t (but is) (but is not)

Remember the way Billie Bob Thornton, in the immortal Bad Santa, would exclaim QUIT FUCKING WITH ME…? Some mornings, this one, for example, if you have smoked many thousands of cigarettes but recently have not had any cigarettes, some days you hear that same voice being shouted from one side of the brain to the other. QUIT FUCKING WITH ME. The fiend says: when you go to New York, boy, think how delicious those cigarettes are. And think about all those old friends who smoke because people on the east coast still smoke unlike all these boring San Franciscans with their sanctimony and fake coughs and organic yoga mats and you don’t want to be anything like that, you want to wear black and lean against a graffiti-soaked wall and smoke and brood. But then the other side: if you have one, then you will wake up the next morning, feel guilty, but not be craving cigarettes, you don’t have to quit all over again, but then you will realize that you can safely smoke, and you really like to smoke, so you then realize that you can smoke every now and then “safely” but then you can’t, and you know this. So the fiend counters: its like doing a little blow. You do a few lines rarely, with old friends, cool friends, like maybe twice a year, not all the time, just when its there – special occasions – you have no issues here so, whatever, why not have a cigarette – no different. QUIT FUCKING WITH ME you shout at the fiend. YOU WILL NOT SMOKE, NOT EVEN JUST ONE and that will avoid the whole cycle of safely smoking but then not safely smoking. And the fiend goes away. And you sit at work looking at Excel spreadsheets and wondering how these Google ads will perform and, staring, staring, staring, when suddenly this whole plan has been arranged for you to smoke on the New York trip and all the details are all worked out and you don’t even need to worry about it, just buy the cigarettes, and the whole deal is done, sealed, just buy the cigarettes, and you didn’t even realize these plans were being made, like you were just sitting there looking at your computer and all of a sudden all these plans have happened, and you want to protest, cancel the plans, but people might be offended, and around…and around…and around…




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